The Unit: A History
Once upon a time, our crazy landlords invited an army of demonic midgets into the master bedroom of our house, with instructions to "build the most heinous, outlandishly large, heavy wardrobe you possibly can, and make sure it's taller than all the door frames, so that it will uglify this house UNTIL THE END OF TIME." Build it they did, and it lived a peaceful life until eight crazy girls moved in one summer.
See, this wardrobe is just so massive and ugly that it does not even deserve the name of wardrobe. Therefore, it was re-named The Unit. Jenny and Jeni had the misfortune of sharing a room with The Unit. But one detail was overlooked: The Unit does not share. Its sole purpose is to take up as much floor space as possible, and trifles such as beds, desks, and futons (Japanese pronounce it FTON, in case you were wondering) are dwarfed by its sheer magnitude. Finally, we had had enough. The Unit had to go.
This is where our neighbor (and Honorary Housemate) Lauren Maltby comes into play. She and Jenny roped Carolyn, Jeni and me into moving The Unit from our side yard to the front lawn, so it could be picked up and destroyed by consolidated trash services. The Unit was not happy about this. After much grunting, sweating, and the bending of a sturdy metal dolly, we knew that we had to devise a plan in order to outsmart The Unit.
Lauren finally decided that the answer lies in ants. Her exact words were, "You know how ants all work together to move, like, a big shit? Well this is the big shit, and we have to all work together to move it." So, we anted it along, and about twenty minutes later, it was by the front curb, awaiting destruction the next morning.
PART TWO: THE RESURRECTION
Yes, there's more. We all awake the next morning and eagerly await the death of The Unit. As consolidated pulls up, the driver makes the mistake of thinking he can hoist The Unit into the metal scoop by himself. Oh, naive trash man. After taking ten minutes and two workers to wrassle The Unit into the scoop, we thought it was finished. The scoop raised triumphantly into the air, and dumped The Unit into the truck's dumpster bed. The Unit, bless its soul, would not go without a fight.
After being deposited into the dumpster, The Unit's ass still stuck up about three feet above the dumpster walls. The scoop was then raised into the air, and came smashing down upon The Unit, in a futile attempt to crush its sturdy walls. The Unit would not budge. Again and again the scoop smashed it, until the trash man had to get on top of the truck and poke at it. The Unit finally sunk below the surface.
BUT THEN, just as we thought it had been accomplished, The Unit rose from its trashy grave, and pierced the sky with its magnificent silhouette. The Unit had resurrected.
Eventually, a wood grinder was employed to finish off the job, but The Unit lives on in our hearts, and in the name of this crazy place we call home. Welcome to The Unit. We have fun here.
p.s.--pictures of The Resurrection coming soon
See, this wardrobe is just so massive and ugly that it does not even deserve the name of wardrobe. Therefore, it was re-named The Unit. Jenny and Jeni had the misfortune of sharing a room with The Unit. But one detail was overlooked: The Unit does not share. Its sole purpose is to take up as much floor space as possible, and trifles such as beds, desks, and futons (Japanese pronounce it FTON, in case you were wondering) are dwarfed by its sheer magnitude. Finally, we had had enough. The Unit had to go.
This is where our neighbor (and Honorary Housemate) Lauren Maltby comes into play. She and Jenny roped Carolyn, Jeni and me into moving The Unit from our side yard to the front lawn, so it could be picked up and destroyed by consolidated trash services. The Unit was not happy about this. After much grunting, sweating, and the bending of a sturdy metal dolly, we knew that we had to devise a plan in order to outsmart The Unit.
Lauren finally decided that the answer lies in ants. Her exact words were, "You know how ants all work together to move, like, a big shit? Well this is the big shit, and we have to all work together to move it." So, we anted it along, and about twenty minutes later, it was by the front curb, awaiting destruction the next morning.
PART TWO: THE RESURRECTION
Yes, there's more. We all awake the next morning and eagerly await the death of The Unit. As consolidated pulls up, the driver makes the mistake of thinking he can hoist The Unit into the metal scoop by himself. Oh, naive trash man. After taking ten minutes and two workers to wrassle The Unit into the scoop, we thought it was finished. The scoop raised triumphantly into the air, and dumped The Unit into the truck's dumpster bed. The Unit, bless its soul, would not go without a fight.
After being deposited into the dumpster, The Unit's ass still stuck up about three feet above the dumpster walls. The scoop was then raised into the air, and came smashing down upon The Unit, in a futile attempt to crush its sturdy walls. The Unit would not budge. Again and again the scoop smashed it, until the trash man had to get on top of the truck and poke at it. The Unit finally sunk below the surface.
BUT THEN, just as we thought it had been accomplished, The Unit rose from its trashy grave, and pierced the sky with its magnificent silhouette. The Unit had resurrected.
Eventually, a wood grinder was employed to finish off the job, but The Unit lives on in our hearts, and in the name of this crazy place we call home. Welcome to The Unit. We have fun here.
p.s.--pictures of The Resurrection coming soon
posted by heather at 4:47 PM
1 Comments:
no, because it's what brought us all together, like the ants.
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